Tag Archives: engagement

Three’s Company Or A Crowd?

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Tony Gaskins is here to answer the question

Tony Gaskins is most popular for his great relationship advice and motivational speaking. His voice has really given women and men around the world great information to abide by when it comes to love. Well, Mr. Gaskins has decided to touch on a subject he is always asked about :Threesomes. Yes “Menage a trois” have been a trend in relationships recently and Tony had a lot to say to those asking if it is appropriate in a relationship. Take a look at what he wrote in his blog 

Should You Give Your Man A Threesome?

A man who wants a threesome is trying to fulfill a void from his childhood. He thinks that sexual pleasure is connected to manhood. He’s still hurting from mommy-wounds, daddy-wounds, and being overlooked in many ways as a child. He is searching for himself. He is being raised in a fatherless society by celebrities who glorify a sexually immoral lifestyle. Point blank, PERIOD!

I’ve received a lot of questions from women asking if they should give their man a threesome because he’s been asking for one. Some women have already given their man a threesome. I’ve even heard tell of a foursome. On that foursome, y’all are doing the absolute most and you need to sit down before you get sat down.

Let me tell you this. A man who really loves and respects himself, and also loves and respects you, will never ask you to have a threesome. Even if in his wildest imagination he wouldn’t mind a threesome, he wouldn’t ask you. A man only asks a woman for a threesome if he sees her as a piece of meat, a play toy, an accessory not a necessity. That man does not respect women because he wasn’t raised to or taught to. He most likely was overlooked by the women he admired at one point in his life. Something about him made him very insecure. I’ve known men who have threesomes and in each of them there is always a void or deep rooted insecurities. It could be something as simple as he was shorter or taller than everyone else all his life and it made him feel ostracized or alienated. It could be because he didn’t have a father in his life and his mother wasn’t much of an influence because she was so focused on herself. It could be that he was seen as unattractive all his life until he became successful or grew into his face. It could be he was bullied for being a pretty-boy, light-skinned, from a wealthy family, etc. Or it simply could be because his idols glorify the lifestyle. A lot of men are being raised by rappers who are either lost, confused, or lying to themselves and the world. You’d be surprised at how past pain and insecurities cause humans to act out.

What happens when you give into a threesome?

  • You start something that you won’t be able to finish. Once you stoop to that level and give away that self-respect, you will never get it back. If you change your mind and want to have a normal relationship, that will most likely be the end of the relationship.
  • If you are asked to have a threesome, it’s not from a faithful man. You’ve been getting cheated on the entire time. A man doesn’t go from 100% faithful and focused on you to having a threesome. I know because after I’m a faithful man and even when cheating was on my mind, hell would have to freeze over before I’d ask my wife for a threesome. So a man asking for a threesome is out there wild and reckless, but you’ve just had your head buried in the sand because you were desperate for love.
  • Once you allow a man to fulfill that lust, that desire will grow. Lust isn’t like thirst, it’s not quenched when you give into it. Lust grows and gets stronger every time you give into it. To control lust you have to starve it, not feed it.
  • Your man will want so many more women that one day he will be over you and move on with the next best thing. Even if it takes 10 years to happen, it’s going to happen. A man who gives into that type of perversion isn’t the type of man to be satisfied with one woman for the rest of his life.
  • The other women you bring into your bed will catch feelings for your man and he will catch feelings for them. They will also have one on one sex behind your back. It’s just a fact.
  • You ruin your chance of having a happy, healthy, wholesome family and marriage. Sex outside of marriage is a sin. Sex with another person outside of your marriage is a sin. I’m not just speaking against God, but against your body. It creates soul-ties that become nearly unbreakable. Those acts began to eat your relationship alive from the inside-out.
  • It will never be the same.
What to do if you’ve already had a threesome? 
That’s up to you and your heart. Being a man, I don’t think you can change that man. He has to want to change and he has to want God’s help. He won’t be able to do it alone. He’s not strong enough. He has to have a reason to change. You won’t be enough, a child won’t be enough. It will have to be something that happens to him. The feeling of unhappiness and emptiness will have to overtake him and push him to change.
If it were me, I’d ask for a change of lifestyle from him. Then I would sign up for therapy as individuals and also do couple’s sessions. I’d get professional feedback. Then I’d weigh it all with my heart. I’d ask myself if I really believe that things can be repaired. Then I’d watch my partner closely to see if I can see any changes. If after all that I still feel unhappy, incomplete, lonely, lost, and confused. I’d get my life, leave the relationship, learn lessons from my mistakes, accept the consequences of my choices, and start over fresh.
That’s just me though. I’m monday-morning-quaterbacking so it’s easier said than done. It is a solid plan of action though. It does help and it does work. I help clients do it everyday.

Let me tell you about your man: 
Your man isn’t a man yet. He is a grown-boy. He is still hurting. He is still lost. He is trying to fill a void that has no bottom. It will never be filled by having random sex with randoms and inviting plagues into your bedroom. Your man needs a life coach, a therapist, and a counselor. He also needs a Holy Bible, a true life’s purpose, and a mission in life. Success, money, fame, notoriety, etc is not enough for him. He can have all of those things but still have no purpose.
You have to stand your ground. You have to pull back. You have to let him go so he can grow. If he truly loves you, he will change. If he’s unwilling to change, he never really loved you and he isn’t ready to change for you or for himself.

Let me talk to your man! (Show him this):
My man. I know you’re hurting. I know you’re unfulfilled. I know you had a rough childhood. I know others have made this lifestyle look cool. I know it’s been said that this is what being a man is about. I know it’s hard to be different. I know it’s hard to be disciplined. I know it doesn’t seem to make sense that you should be with one woman for the rest of your life. I’m here to tell you that it’s worth it. I live it. I haven’t always been the man that I am today. You think you had women? You haven’t had women. When I was broke, busted, and disgusted I still had women. I had more women than I could count. Any woman I ever really wanted, I had. I had women and I gave women away. I had so many women I had women on lay-away and rent-to-own plans with other men. Every guy who knew me came to me if they wanted a woman to sleep with for a night. I didn’t respect women or understand women. I was hurt. I was confused. I was lost. I was a grown boy. That’s why I go so hard on God’s team to help restore the hearts of women today because I used to persecute the hearts and minds of women daily. I’m a sell-out now, you’re right. I sold out to God and that’s who I work for. It’s painful giving away the game everyday and denying my flesh. It’s painful not being able to play the “game” that I played on the highest level. It’s not easy but I do it because it’s worth it. I’ve experienced something new that I’m going to tell you about.

It all changed at about the age of 25. I now realize that a woman is the greatest gift to this Earth. You couldn’t pay me to cheat on my wife now. I wouldn’t sleep with Beyonce for a million dollars even if she was single and ready. I mean that with everything in me. Why? Because I tried it God’s way. I became 100% faithful to my wife in mind, body, and spirit and my life changed in ways I didn’t know was possible. I experienced side effects like happiness, peace, success, joy, content, favor from God that passes understanding, and so much more. I will NEVER go back to the man that I once was. I don’t even cheat with myself, if you know what I mean. I save every ounce of sexual energy for my wife. As a result, I couldn’t be happier and my relationship couldn’t be better.

Know this, your woman loves you with all her heart. Any woman who will give you a threesome loves you. She loves you even though she doesn’t love herself. It doesn’t mean she’s nothing, it means she’s lost and searching for someone to love her just like you are. The problem is that neither of you know what love is. Give real love a try. Be faithful to your woman. Give yourself to her. Marry her and love her the way God intended for her to be loved. I promise your life will change for the better. I promise you’ll experience a peace and a favor that you can’t put into words. I’m living this. If you think I’m lying, try to set me up and then let the jezebel report back to you about how bad I hurt her feelings. Four or five years ago I would have fell for it easily, but now I know for a fact I’ll never go back to that way of living. I have to say that confidently and believe it because if I leave any room for doubt, the enemy will move in for the kill.

Man-up!! It’s that time!! Be different. Stop trying to fit-in and stand-out! The world needs you. Your kids need you.

Young lady, let me talk to you:
You are worthy. You are a child of God. You are His prize creation. He gave you influence which is one of the greatest gifts you can have. You are the backbone of the world. Without you, there is no world. Without you, we cease to exist. You run the world because you have to receive the seed and turn it into a child who can change the world. The world evolves around you. You have all power on Earth. If the adversary wants to take down any man in the world, he has to go through you. You’re more addicting than any drug. Your power is right beneath the power of God and you were made in His image.

Now from this day forward, never forget what I just told you about yourself. Never forget your worth, your power, your influence. Use it sparingly. Use it wisely.

If you ever meet a man who doesn’t want to give you His world, keep moving. God created you to share the world with your man. He gave man dominion over the world, but He gave you influence over that man. That’s how your ancestors have either destroyed men or made them great. How you use your influence is your choice. Know your worth. If you’ve never been told, now you know. Go forward boldly. Go in confidence. Go in peace. Love yourself and know that you deserve love. Never settle. Never give away your influence for “love.” That’s not love. Love won’t ask you to live on your knees. Love won’t ask you to go against your true nature. Love won’t ask you to compromise your self-respect. That’s not love. You can’t be so desperate for love from someone else that you sacrifice the love for yourself.

Ok, I’m tired of typing. God bless you both!!

Tony G.

*Catch me on the Real Love Tour coming to a city near you

*If you have a general question you’d like me to address please email advice@tonygaskins.com with the subject: Blog Question

*I understand there are exceptions to every rule. If you had a threesome and now your relationship happy, healthy, and whole, God bless you. That’s your story but that’s not the case for the other 99%. I know because I coach couples from 6 different continents and your case is not the norm.

*Please seek professional help. I am a professional life coach, but I am not a therapist. I can support you and help push you into greatness and purpose but you need more than me. You need God’s help too!

*To the men and women who I have stepped on your toes, I meant to. When they heal you will walk a lot better.

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There you have it, what are your thoughts on threesomes? Do you agree with Tony Gaskins?

Your Guide To Getting The Ring!

Don’t Be a Fling Get the Ring!

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There are many women who are single or in a “relationship” wondering why they havent been proposed to yet. There are the women who are serial trophies ( women who men only like showing off), doormats (women who continually allow themselves to be abused), and just plain crazy women. Just joking, just joking in the mix of single unmarried women there are regular good girls who just may be doing a few things wrong while on the path to meeting their soul mate. I know there are so  many of us hurting your heads over the question “does he not see ALL this, what do i need to do?”

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Well we’ve got some help from John T. Malloy with his book “Why men marry some women and not others”.

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This book is based on over 3,000 interviews conducted by Molloy and his researchers. They interviewed couples coming out of marriage license bureaus, and then a control group. The results reflect the statistical tendencies of marriage. Many of the lessons are common sense, but what sets this book apart is its specificity and the statistical backup for its assertions.

Editor’s note: One interesting fact is that this book got positive but mixed reviews on Amazon. It seems that the statistical truths that women who are A) over 35, and B) overweight are much less likely to marry were not well-received by those women who fell into those categories.

The Six Basic Guidelines For Women To Get Married

  1. Insist on it.
  2. If you find yourself in a dead-end relationship, move on.
  3. Love yourself first.
  4. Commit yourself to the idea of getting married
  5. Keep in shape, watch your weight, and take care of your appearance
  6. Time is running out—use time wisely in your search for the marrying man

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To maximize your chances of marrying, only date the marrying kind:

  • Most men will not consider marriage before they reach the age of commitment
    • For 80% of high school graduates, 23
    • For 80% of college graduates, 26
    • For college men, the high-commitment period is 28-33
    • For men who go to graduate school, 30-36
    • After the age of 37-38, the chances that he’ll commit drops dramatically. After 43, it drops even more
    • A 40+ man who has been married before is more likely to remarry than an equivalent bachelor is to marry
  • Most men will not contemplate marriage until they have been working and living as independent adults for several years (hence the high-commitment periods)
  • Men become likely to marry after they become uncomfortable with the singles scene
    • E.g. They realize that they’ve become the sleazy old guys who hang out at the bars and hit on younger girls
  • Men do have a biological clock, based on their desire to be an active father (especially to their sons)
  • Misc. negative traits and warning signs
    • Men who see marriage as a financial arrangement in which women have the most to gain
    • Men whose parents divorced when they were young
    • Men who live with their parents
  •  Other key facts
    • Men often marry women whose religion, politics, values, and socioeconomic status match theirs
    • Men whose friends and siblings are married are more likely to marry
      • 60% of the newly married men reported that they had a friend who had married within the last year.
      • Those men who didn’t have any married male friends were 2-3 times as likely to say that they weren’t ready to marry.
      • The majority of men who had seen their friends get married said that if they met the right woman, they’d think seriously about getting married.
  • Avoid stringers, men who string along women but never commit. To filter them out, insist that he commit after six months. Then stick to it, no matter what excuses he gives.
  • Consider unpolished jewels, men who are just as nice, intelligent, hard-working, and successful, but lack looks, height, or social skills.

a. 88% of men over 50 who were marrying for the first time were marrying divorced women. The women told the researchers that they had already tried the tall, suave, type, and he didn’t make a very good husband.

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First impressions are important

  • 1. Men are attracted by the physical, but marry character
    • a. Newly engaged men said that what attracted them to their fiancées was how classy, positive, energetic, enthusiastic, and upbeat their future wives were.
      • i. While 68% gave a physical description of their fiancée, only 20% said that what attracted them was how gorgeous and sexy their fiancée was. Over 60% described their personalities, even if the women in question were very beautiful.
    • b. Therefore, be positive!
  • 2. All wives are trophy wives—men marry women whom they admire and like to show off (but not for their physical appearance)
  • 3. Dressing appropriately sends the message, “I am wife material.” Men marry women they perceive as “situational virgins” who move easily in their world.
    • a. Editor’s note: In other words, don’t dress like a ho. Men see a sexy outfit as an invitation to have sex.
    • b. Most men decide within 10 minutes of meeting a woman if she’s appropriate for marriage, or just for a casual affair.
    • c. Over 80% of men said or bragged that their fiancée was the kind of woman they were proud to introduce to friends and family
    • d. Over 70% of men said that they knew that their future bride was a “nice girl” the minute they met
    • e. Only 7 out of 2,000 men interviewed said that their fiancée was dressed in a very sexy outfit when they met.
  • 4. If you want to marry a man who is more attractive than you, go for a very good-looking man because he will actually place less emphasis on looks. Women see their own looks as a gift of nature equal to or superior to brains and talent. In contrast, 67% of very good-looking men think of their looks as a minor asset, and say they would rather be smart, rich, or talented. Do the following:
    • a. Approach him. Very attractive men don’t make passes at women because they don’t have to.
    • b. Let him put you on a pedestal. Don’t treat him any differently than you would another man, just because he’s good-looking.
    • c. Let him see your talents and accomplishments. Very good-looking men often marry women who have qualities they lack—education, professional accomplishment, social standing, and ambition.
    • d. Make demands on him. Advise him to go back to school or get a better job.
  • 5. Making a good impression on his family is almost as important as making a good impression on him.
    • a. 5% said that it was their family that had convinced them that the woman was something special

b. 30% said that their family’s positive opinion had influenced them

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What kind of women get married?

  • 1. Women with a large number of female friends are more likely to marry than women with a large number of male friends
    • a. Men don’t go out of their way to introduce their female friends to other men
  • 2. If you reach 30 and want to get married, you have to make finding a husband a primary goal. Once your friends start getting married, they are less likely to have an active social life with you. Don’t be the last one off the bus!
  • 3. Women who get married, even those with high-powered careers, make getting married a priority that they work at.
  • 4. The larger the number of single men and women you work with, the better your chances of marrying
  • a. If you work in an industry with few eligible men (e.g. the fashion industry, where most male colleagues are gay), or have other disadvantages, you’ll have to work harder outside of work to overcome them. It’s unfair, but suck it up.
  • 5. Women with unrealistic expectations often remain single
    • a. Much of the time, these expectations are imposed by others, who think that the men she brings home aren’t “good enough for her.”
    • b. Give men a second chance—20% of brides to be said that they didn’t like their husband when they first met him.
  • 6. Self-confident men are attracted to accomplished, self-assured, and talented women
  • 7. Women who waste their time with stringers or men who don’t care for them hurt their chances of marrying
    • a. Women who marry refer to the men who broke up with them as losers. Women who don’t marry often make men who don’t reciprocate their feelings the center of their universe and still speak well of them.
  • b. Don’t date married or gay men.
  • 8. Women who live with their parents are less likely to marry
  • 9. Being slender attracts more men, therefore increasing your chances to marry
  • 10. Women who put effort into looking their best are more likely to marry than those who don’t
  • 11. However, men find women who are active and don’t spend all of their time primping more attractive
  • 12. Women who make an effort to seek out the company of single men are more likely to marry
    • a. Women who marry date more frequently than those who don’t, even it’s Mr. Wrong.
    • b. Women who marry are three times as likely to participate in masculine activities in which they had no real interest.
    • c. Women who marry are twice as likely to have made lifestyle sacrifices (changing jobs or moving) to meet eligible men.
  • 13. Women who have active social lives are more likely to marry
  • a. Go out on Friday and Saturday, when other single people go out

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The stages in a relationship

  • 1: Living up to expectations
    • Men believe that they can size up a woman in 5 minutes. They’re usually wrong. If a man doesn’t call, it’s because he realizes that he made a mistake.
  • 2: Getting to know you. The following types of women are more like to get asked out on additional dates
    • a. Women who date more extensively
    • b. Women who have male friends or brothers (and thus have a better understanding of men)
    • c. Women who worry less about impressing their dates and more about having fun
    • d. Women who don’t have sex on the first date
    • e. Women who object when they don’t approve of the man’s plans
    • f. Women who are friendly and positive
    • g. Women who are a good audience and show interest and/or a concern for his welfare
    • Sidebar: Why men don’t call
      • As men see it, they don’t need a reason not to call. They do need a reason to call.
      • The woman gets too serious too soon
      • The woman is not as positive as they had thought.
        • 90% of men find catty remarks a turnoff
  • 3: Needs and lifestyles
    • This stage is about separating attraction from compatibility.
    • If your lifestyles aren’t compatible, end the relationship as quickly and painlessly as possible
  • 4: Steady dating (range: 3 weeks to 3 months)
    • Men don’t typically think of themselves as dating until after 4-6 dates
    • Women typically think of themselves as dating after 2-3 dates, hence the problem
    • The primary reason men drop women during the first month or two is that the women come on too strong, too soon.
      • 50% of men have broken up with a woman because she got serious prematurely
      • Never speak of marriage, children, or your future together for the first 6 dates.
  • 5: Romancing the woman
    • Men are always trying to please the women they like. Just relax and enjoy your stay on the pedestal (because it’s likely to be brief).
  • 6: Getting comfortable (3 months+). This is the stage where the couple stop feeling they have to be on their best behavior and start being themselves.
    • The fact that your man doesn’t bring you roses, but instead plops on your couch to watch TV and takes you for granted is actually a natural stage and the hallmark of almost all serious relationships—not a deal-killer.
    • But, don’t be a doormat. If you don’t complain, or, even worse, try to do everything for him, it will make him think you are just there for his convenience.
      • Women who withhold doing household chores usually get more respect from men
      • The women who insist on being treated well are 2x as likely to end up marrying their man. No one marries a servant.
    • Insist on being monogamous
  • 7: Committed couplehood (range: 6 months to 1 year; 73% said that within 9 months, their partner had become the center of their lives).
    • Successful couples:
      • Are monogamous
      • Put their partners interests above their friends and family
        • If his family member makes a negative comment about you, he should defend you. 79% of marrying men said that they came to their financees’ defense.
      • Hang out together without any particular plans. When just being together, you are a successful couple.
  • 8: Premarital couplehood.
    • Committed couples are:
      • Openly affectionate, and make sacrifices for each other
      • Become confidants. More than 90% of couples who get married are.
    • But remember that men are sensitive to criticisms of their family, and men don’t share their feelings easily
  • 9: The proposal stage
    • Most men propose after going out with a woman for 18 months.
    • If at the end of 22 months, a man has not proposed, the chances that he will start to diminish.
    • For 3.5 years, the chances diminish gradually. After that, it plunges. After 7 years, your chances are virtually zero.
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Speaking of Marriage

  • 1. Men who discuss marriage are more likely to propose
  • 2. If you want to discuss marriage, you’re going to have to bring the subject up, because many men never will
  • 3. 73% of marrying women said that they put pressure on their man to propose
  • 4. If a woman is convinced that marriage is essential to her happiness, she is more likely to marry.
    • a. If a man is convinced that being married is essential to a woman’s happiness, he is more likely to propose
  • 5. When a man who has been dating a woman for months says he hasn’t thought of marriage, he’s probably just being honest. Men don’t think about these things.
    • a. 1/3 of husbands who had said no at first had forgotten that they did so
    • b. 2/3 remembered, but most thought it wasn’t a big deal.
    • c. When told that saying this upset their wives, the men generally responded, “What did she want me to do, lie to her?”
    • d. More than 90% of men who said they weren’t ready didn’t think the answer was a rejection, just a fact.
    • e. The best response is, “Maybe it’s time for you to think about it.”
    • f. Statistically, this is actually one of the most encouraging answers a woman can receive; many of these men proposed within 4 months.
  • 6. Men don’t get subtle hints—a woman has to discuss marriage directly and, to make sure he gets the point, ask follow-up questions.
  • 7. When a man says he isn’t ready, it usually doesn’t mean he will never marry.
    • Often, it’s because they don’t have enough money.
  • 8. Men rarely respond positively when challenged.
    • a. Over 50% of men say that when presented with a choice, “Marry me or get lost,” they chose to get lost.
    • b. Over 50% of men say that when a woman walks out, they let her go.
    • c. Instead, come back to the subject later. Send the message, “I love you, but I need marriage.” Don’t let them off the hook.
      • i. “How could you do this to me? You hurt me.”
      • ii. “The reason I’m so hurt is that I love you.”

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Marrying after 40

  • 1. The best places to meet eligible men are clubs and groups based on common interests. Join organization that have single men as members.
    • a. 21% of engaged women over 40 said that they had met their fiancée at an athletic club
    • b. Sports clubs that focus on activities that attract singles (trips, bicycling) are best
    • c. Next best are tennis, and golf.
    • d. Third come professional or social organizations that are overwhelmingly male, like engineering associations or collectors of sports memorabilia.
    • e. Fourth come organizations that have a singles scene, or sponsor events that give singles a chance to socialize with other club members.
    • f. Dances, picnics, and charity golf or tennis tournaments are also a good place to meet men.
  • 2. Have an active social life
    • a. Women who go out twice a week, even just to dine with other women or do volunteer work, are 3x as likely to marry than those who don’t go out.
    • b. Going out three times a week boosts your chances even further.
    • c. However, going out more than 5 nights a week decreases your chances.
  • 3. Though men often date women who are much younger, they usually marry someone close to their own age.
  • 4. The most common reason men over 40 were attracted to their fiancées was that they took good care of themselves. So stay in shape!
  • 5. When asked what attracted them to their fiancées, younger men cite virtue, talent, or accomplishments. 62% of men over forty cited “niceness” (congeniality, agreeableness, a relaxed, low-maintenance attitude, and acts of kindness).
  • 6. Older men may be in a hurry to get married; delay them, don’t dump them, if you aren’t ready yet.
  • 7. Men who attend religious services are more likely to marry.

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Divorced men, widowers, and single fathers

  • 1. Young widowers without children are the most marriageable men on earth
  • 2. Single fathers with young children have little or no energy for a social life
  • 3. Most widowers are not ready for a relationship until 2 years after their wife passed away
  • 4. Men whose wives died of lingering or painful illnesses are less likely to remarry.
  • 5. The more amicable a man’s divorce, the more likely he is to remarry
  • 6. The younger a man is, the more likely he is to remarry

Now turn that frown upside down

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Go put this guide to use and meet your soulmate!

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